It's Normal?

Britney Spears thinks "everyone shaves their head" once in a while, especially in the midst of an emotional breakdown. She said this in MTV's Britney: For the Record.

Whitney Takes Bite Out of the Big Apple... By HERSELF

Who watches The Hills? I need a list of names along with addresses so i can exterminate this group of LC lovers. Really, why is there such a following for this poorly scripted, poorly executed piece of... work. I can not figure it out. More infuriating than knowing that The Hills is in existence is the thought that there is a spin-off called The City. I try to avoid MTV and their flock of reality shows best I can, but now I will have to program my TV to skip the channel completely- which should have happened long ago. To think that little Whitney Port will be starring in her own show horrifies me. The only clips i ever saw of her showed her, mouth agape, staring mindlessly at the moron LC. As I know this show will be nothing but bullshit, I also know that herds of females will gather around TV sets whenever The City premieres.

Just to be fair, the plot of The City will be told: Whitney leaves LA for NYC (thus the clever title The City) to work for Diane Von Furstenberg. Not much of a story line, but I'm sure that there will be a lot of salad-eating, omg exclamations, and fake smiles- along with fake everything else.

Black Friday Mayhem

If you weren't out shopping at 5 a.m on Black Friday, you may be labeled a loser, a lazy ass, or a proboscis monkey. On the contrary; you may have saved your life. It's true, this previous Black Friday was crazier than ever. Shoppers have gone mad trying to find the best deals ever. There was broken glass, blood, and even deaths. Our first death deals with a 34 year old man. He was an over night store clerk, who was just trying to get through the chaos of the day ahead of him. As the automatic opening doors of a Walmart opened at 5:00 a.m, hundreds of people trampled over this poor man. Vision this in your mind; Mufasa getting trampled on by water buffalo, in the movie we've all seen called The Lion King. In that same "stampede" a pregnant woman got pushed and shoved so much that she had a miscarriage. All she was trying to do was take advantage of those great deals by getting a crib for her child to be. There were three other people seriously injured, but no one really cares to hear about them. Now that we know how crazy people will go on this supposedly "fun" day, lets all remember the great dangers it can bring for next year..

-What a heart-breaking Hairy Nipple story.

People Names Hugh Jackman Sexiest Man Alive

Hugh Jackman is People magazine's sexiest man alive. My questions are simple: 1. Has every other man recently passed away, left this world to meet his maker? and 2. Am I being punked. It's hard for me to sleep at night knowing this is as good as it gets. I recently contacted People in order to determine the criteria by which the sexiest man alive is chosen, however, they have declined answering. Im sure its something extremely scientific and accurate. This is hogwash; please refer to the picture displayed above, and tell me how any man with a forehead of that magnitude can be considered "sexy" by any standards.

An article published by Access Hollywood on November 25, 2008:
NEW YORK CITY, N.Y. -- George Clooney has been crowned People's "Sexiest Man Alive" two times, first in 1997 and then in 2006. But his words of wisdom for the current "Sexiest" guy came in a late night phone call, saying, "Shut up, Jackman!''

Words of wisdom for Hugh Jackman from Hairy Nipple News: Cut off half of your forehead, de-glaze and realign your eyes, and go buy a smaller nose- for starters.

Bye, Bye Miss American Candy Store

Take a few seconds and mourn the loss of a quaint, shabby, little candy store- even if you have never been there. If you have, you will already know what I am talking about and have, undoubtedly, spent many nights crying over it. I know I have. Baldingers litters my memory the way McDonald's bags litter highways. From as young as I can remember Baldingers has been a staple in my life. Whether with parents, grandparents, alone or with strange transvestites, Baldingers has been a hot spot on those boring what-the-hell-can-we-do days. After all else fails, it's always time for candy. Arrival is always interesting, since the outside of the store looks like it has survived atomic bombs, hurricane Katrina, and water boarding torture sessions. But that look is what gives Baldingers its mundane sexual appeal. From the first look you will know what true love is. And you will want to run inside immediately. Open the door and peer in and you would have thought that your grandmother just lead you into her basement- a basement filled with tables that have buckets of candy on them. Walking over the wooden floors, each creak introduces new fears. Thoughts of the floor breaking underneath my body were constant. I had a burning suspicion that underneath the floor was a giant well that fed off the bones of young children... because my grandfather told me that. Anyway, besides penny candy (yes, pieces of candy were only one cent!) and the various other candies that lived inside Baldingers, a whole wing of the store was dedicated to foreign goods ranging from teas to sauces and spices to crackers. Many minutes could be spent looking at all the crazy non-American items. But after the initial shock-and-awe wore off, candy was to be riffled through, bought, and enjoyed.

No longer do i have to drive to cranberry to fulfill my candy addiction. Baldingers recently relocated in Zelienople, PA, which is closer to my house, so no complaints here. But the history and raw rustic appeal are now replaced with a brand new little, white one story building 5 feet from Exxon. It looks cute, but that doesn't win my heart back. My recent trip to the new Baldingers was bittersweet. And that is all I have to say about that.

Victoria's Secret Box

I don't know how long this commercial has been on, but I saw it for the first time today while watching House. Upon seeing the first shot, it's known- this is a Victoria's Secret commercial. Models walking in a mansion (I'm assuming) wearing a red bra and a long, flowing, princess-like skirt. Interesting. Usually we are all accustomed to seeing these beauties in near-nothing panties and bras... this skirt deal is way too prudish for me. Victoria's Secret commercials should be titillating, especially their Christmas commercial. And the "plot" of the whole commercial, if there is one, is would be that the girls have a gift and it needs to get to Adriana Lima. Since the mansion is so gigantic, the girls come together and each covers a small amount of area before handing the gift off to another girl. This happens quite a few times until finally reaching its destination: Adriana Lima. Once in Lima's possession, she (clad in her red bra and skirt) leaves the mansion and begins a journey on foot... to what appears to be another mansion right across the way.

After that mind-blowing commercial, the only thing on my mind was "Well, what's in the box?" but more importantly "What the hell could even fit in a box that size?!" Thong. That's the only reasonable VS item that belongs in this situation. Certainly a lip gloss or compact mirror or pillbox are so impersonal that a simple bag would do. But until further notice: the contents of this box are a mystery.

Watch the VS Christmas 2008 Commercial.

Fit for a Dog

Christmas is rapidly approaching. I know this because the smell of evergreen, peppermint and elderly relatives is already edging up my nostrils. Besides the delightful smells, Christmastime offers important traditions and activities that most Americans partake in, i.e. shopping. For some, shopping is a way of life. There is no circumstance i can think of where i am not lusting after some material object. I view life as a giant fashion show, and apparently Michael Young does too- except he sees canine fashion. While designing a dog house for Magis, an Italian plastic products manufacturer, Young created a $910 dog loft. If that sounds a little crazy, it's because is it. A dog house worth $910, I imagine, would be made from gold, or diamonds, or baby seals, surely not rotational-molded polyethylene (whatever the hell that is). But it is, and to make it sound even more classy, the plastic floor and walls are hollow so water or sand can be poured in to weigh down and ground the orange plastic box.

But maybe this is the number one gift on all dogs' lists- I'm sure Tinkerbell has asked Paris for one.