Flame by BK

Burger King has recently launched a new body spray called Flame by BK. Who could resist the scent of Americas favorite burger, the Whopper? This body spray has the "scent of seduction, with a hint of flame-broiled meat." We all know that the scent of a body can turn on the opposite sex, so why not turn a girl on with the smell of greasy burgers frying on your skin?

Seriously, Whoppers taste good.. but if I'm going to be forced to smell that scent on a human body, I might as well have sex with all the dirty workers at Burger King who never bathe.

If you must try this "must have" item, you can buy it on basically any website. This strange scent can be yours for a small price of $3.99. --What a great deal.

Tom Proposes to Gisele

This past Christmas Eve, Tom Brady (injured quarterback of the New England Patriots) proposed to Gisele Bundchen (hot supermodel). He popped the proposal cherry on a jet traveling from New Jersey to Boston. If we took the time to figure out how long it takes from both destinations, we would find out that the total air time is like... 10 whole minutes. Strange. -That must have been super romantic, not to mention Tom's parents were on board as well. Tom should be happy Gisele said yes, because if not, he probably would have thrown himself out of the plane.


HNN wishes all the best to the new happily engaged couple. We hope the two stay together for eternity, and have sexy model/athletic babies.

Obama's Hot Bod: Cause Of Global Warming?

Barack Obama and his family relaxed a little in Kailua, Hawaii over the past few days. But Obama still fits in time to sculpt his hot bod. He and Michelle got their workout on at Semper Fit Center on Marine Corps Base Hawaii Kaneohe Bay around 7 in the morning. That is dedication.

After an hour chiseling away at his abs, Obama left to demand that people have "Happy Holidays". Upon hearing his demands, peoples' lives instantly got better. He was walking around topless, letting the paparazzi capture his body on film. According to bystanders, he seemed very relaxed and at ease and did not mind getting his picture taken, again and again and again...

With his seriously hot bod, which had been covered in suits for almost two years now, it is fitting to name him as the culprate behind global warming. Everything within a three mile radius of him begins to melt. And without the protection of business-like attire, the results are damaging.

Guns, Ammunition, and Hair Spray

Laura Zuniga, Miss Sinaloa 2008, is pictured here sandwiched in between dangerous gunmen. "Zuniga was riding in one of two trucks, where soldiers found a large stash of weapons, including two AR-15 assault rifles, .38 specials, 9mm handguns, nine magazines, 633 cartridges and $53,300 in U.S currency." according to FoxNews. One of the men she was caught with appeared to be her boyfriend, showcasing her abilities to 'ride or die'.

When asked what she was doing with the men, Miss Pretty Pretty told authorities that they planned on going shopping while in Bolivia and Colombia. Which is not totally unheard of in today's economy. I usually travel with at least three assault rifles while going shopping. That way if someone dare attempt to steal my newly acquired belongings, I can easily stop the attempt with a quick bullet to the brain.

Since this all happened in Guadalajara, Mexico the men will probably be beheaded leaving the beauty queen to be the police officers' make-up and style specialist. A true Senorita story.

Amy Fat From Rehab

Amy Winehouse is back from rehab. And appears to look "healthy" in the eyes of many. But HNN is here to report that after a swift look at her stomach, and an even swifter burp-up of vomit, it is certain that her newly acquired body is gross, flabby, and probably smelly. She decided to go to the beach, topless, because she wanted everyone to know how awful rehab was. It truly wreaked havoc on her.

If only we had our own make-over show. Then we could make Amy as beautiful as her voice sounds...

Is "Wacko Jacko" Dying?

It has been recently reported that Michael Jackson might need a lung transplant. Sources tell us that Michael is suffering from alpha 1-antitrypsin deficiency, an inherited condition that can be fatal. News sites, including those of Fox News and California Times, are questioning whether or not this statement is true.

Michael has been through the best of times, and the worst of times. I think he is the only person I know (not personally) that has gone from having black skin, to white skin. Also, his Neverland ranch has gone from being a child's favorite place; to a child's most feared place.

I guess we will just have to watch the news and find out if he's dead in a couple days, or if this whole thing was a big lie. -It's a typical "Michael thing." I mean he just loves the attention, doesn't he?

A Pleasure Chip? I'll Take 15.

Do you ever just want to feel more aroused when eating or making sex? Have you ever ate a whole pie and thought "That should have tasted more magical". Is sex not what it used to be for you?

If you have answered "yes" to any of these questions then the "Pleasure Chip" is just for you. Scientists are tediously working on such a chip that can be placed in the orbitofrontal cortex, located just behind your eyes. This chip will stimulate the orbitofrontal cortex, which is the pleasure center of the brain. People who have an inability to perceive pleasures from sex or eating will now be able to once again enjoy these activities.

Although this miracle chip is not yet ready to be distributed to the public, Tipu Aziz, one of the scientists working on it, predicts that this little piggie will be ready for the market within the next ten years. But until then folks, you will have to keep snorting your coke and drinking your whiskey to fend away the misery you face from day to day.

Octuplets Turn Ten!

This past Saturday, (yesterday) the Udobi family celebrated the birthday of their eight children. The former Nigerian parents, who now reside in Houston, got stuck with the whopping eight by using fertility drugs. HNN apologizes for not listing names of the children, we just don't have the time to type Nigerian names we can't pronounce, nor care to know. Of the eight children, only seven are still living. The eighth baby, who no longer has a soul, is kept in a glass jar which travels with the family... everywhere they go. When it was time to blow out the birthday candles, it was the dead fetus' honor to "blow" out the flames. It was an amazing day, the kids celebrated by having a hotel party, and popping as many bottles of champagne as possible.

If this story was inspiring to you, maybe you should try some fertility drugs that will leave you with 9 zygotes in your body. Personally, I couldn't deal with it. I would probably leave behind, or forget at least two children per day, causing them to suffer.--But thats just me.

Drill, Baby, Drill

With only a few weeks left in his presidency, George W. Bush decided to commence offshore drilling. Upon reading of this event, it seemed likely that the drilling locale would be, dare I say, Alaskan. However, much to the surprise of HNN, Bush has chosen Virginia.
We suppose Virginia is an alright choice, after all, she is a nice girl. However, in times of desperation- when you need a baby-, why choose someone that may be infertile? Experts state that Virginia may be hiding reserves of oil off her shores, but America needs a baby now, and that baby's name is Oil.
Bush has stated that in addition to the potential Virginia has shown, her parents(the government) are much friendlier about the drilling. Good luck Bush, get out your dipstick and look for Virginia's oil.

Tree Man Keeps Budding

Tanjung Jaya, Indonesia is home to one thing, and one thing only: Tree Man. Tree Man, whose real name is Dede, has a crazy case of Human Pappiloma Virus (HPV) infection where warts grow to insane lengths and girths. His skin, the parts covered with warts, looks like bark of a tree (a tree us here at HNN have never seen before). Perhaps its a special tree in Indonesia.

This man has undergone surgeries this past summer to get rid the warts on his fingers so he could use them. His condition is said to be irreversible, but doctors wanted to give him an easier life with the removal of pounds of warts on his hands. He has been able to use a cell phone, go fishing, and work his newly acquired rice farm. But the warts are growing back, leaving him dependent on others.

HNN wishes this man the best of luck in the form of kisses, gumballs, and hamsters that we will be sending to him once we can track him down. But in Indonesia people usually go by one name, so it will be a taunting task. Actually we probably wont even think about this ever again.

Suri Cruise: Ugliest Baby of '08

This bitch became popular in 2006, when Katie and Tom Cruise birthed her. Yes, both of them birthed her, it must be a Scientology thing. With the year 2008 coming to an end, us at HNN decided we had to give someone the "ugly crown." Who better than a non-deserving rich child? Many people have been asked if they thought she was cute, and all responses came back negative. "She's just an ugly child, nothing more."--We've heard this line one too many times.

Why was she voted Ugliest Baby of '08? Simple. She has a terrible haircut, not-so-good eyebrows, and a gross complexion. Also, I hate to be harsh, but ...she's kind of... on the thick side. For heavens sake, Suri is TomKat's baby girl! Everyone has had such high expectations of what she should look like, and it's just not happening. I hope 2009 will bring her some good looks.


Sources have told us Katie & Tom are setting up dates for Suri's first reconstructive surgery. As for Suri, she's a diva who has an attitude that says "I don't give a fuck."

Trashy Slut-Slut's Mansion Was Raped

Just by reading the title it is clear: Paris Hilton's Sherman Oaks, California mansion was broken into and robbed. Around 5a.m. this morning a hooded and gloved mystery man managed to get in through the front door, run up to Paris' room, gather about 2 million dollars worth of jewelry and flee. He didn't have to be so sneaky, since Paris was not even home. I'm not even sure that at 5 in the morning Ms. Hilton could even remember where she lived. But although Paris was out, police received a call from security guards... to inform them that they were... not doing their job? Strange.

Police investigation is still ongoing. Paris has yet to comment, probably because she doesn't even know what happened yet.

Brisol Palins Baby's Daddy's Mama's Drug Charges

If that headline sounds like it should be a caption under the Maury Logo while introducing some white trash, us here at HNN couldn't agree more. It appears that Sherry Johnston, 42, was arrested Thursday and charged with "second-degree misconduct involving a controlled substance- typically manufacturing or delivering drugs- as well as fourth-degree misconduct involving controlled substances, or possession" according to FoxNews. The same Sherry Johnston that is the mother of Levi Johnston, who is the father of Bristol Palin's soon-to-pop-out baby. (Due date is said to be quite soon)

Troopers released no other information, including the kind or amount of drugs, because they just want to infuriate us. When there is a story about someone who is even remotely of any importance, I need to know what type of drug and how much. Without that information I am liable to go insane with uncertainty.

Although around 2p.m. Johnston was released from jail after her $5,000 bond was paid, it's still a little newsworthy gold-nugget in our book.

Let Them Eat Cats

Many Americans enjoy steak. Likewise, many Chinese enjoy cats. But just as American animal rights activists live to protest, so do Chinese activists. Except the Chinese are protesting over the use of cats in cuisine.

Huang, a butcher in Guangdong, China, said to breitbart.com "Cats have a strong flavor. Dogs taste much better, but if you really want cat meat, I can have it delivered by tomorrow" and "Cat tastes a bit like lamb. I don't like it much. Young cats are tender, but the meat on the older ones is really tough. Usually old people like eating it." Which is exactly the kind of thought that enraged cat lovers who protested outside the Guangdong government office in Beijing on Thursday.

"The cat meat we sell comes from legitimate sources. It's from cat farms. The animals are raised the same way cows are" says Huang. But even if her butchering business raises cats like cows, many people simply go on cat-stealing sprees, shoving many cats into tiny, little crates. That is very not animal-friendly, which is why protesters feel the need to speak out for these little critters.

I've never ate cat, and never really wanted to. But if it tastes like lamb, Huang, sign me up.

At Least Smoking Was "Cool"

"I proposed a tax on sugared beverages like soda. Research has demonstrated that soft-drink consumption is one of the main drivers of childhood obesity" states New York Gov. David Paterson who is pushing for a tax on highly caloric, non-nutritional beverages for the state of New York. He goes on to say that "What smoking was to my parents' generation, obesity is to my children's generation. Nearly one out of every four New Yorkers under the age of 18 is obese".

To that, us here at HNN says at least smoking was considered "cool" and "edgy"... "sexy" even. Really any word that implies awesomeness, in any sort of arena. Classic the way sultry ladies and men lit up in old-time movies. Bad-ass in the way that villains and criminals blow smoke in cops faces. Familiar in the way that confused teens choke on smoke while talking about how bad they did on their algebra test last Wednesday. Obesity has never been "cool" and surely never will be. And the only obese people ever captured on film provoked sadness and disgust in my heart.

Even the ads for cigarettes were alluring and fun. No matter how many suave, good-looking people McDonald's pays to eat some McNuggets, eating greasy, fattening food will never be sexy. It's just sad that the youth of our time is known for obesity, which is the least cool of all the seven deadly sins.

Now that I am depressed, I think I will drive to McDonalds and buy two double cheeseburgers, three apple pies, and a root beer... right after my fling with Ben&Jerry's is over.

Celebrate Today by Drinking a Glass of Moloko

Today is the birthday of a little guy called "A Clockwork Orange". 31 years ago this film crawled out of the vagina of Anthony Burgess, but only after director Stanley Kubrick planted the magic film-seed. The film "A Clockwork Orange" was the love child of Burgess, who wrote the novel in 1962, and Kubric, who was a director and only took on the film after realizing that nothing better was going to come along.

Alex DeLarge, the main character, is a young man who loves classical music, rape, and ultra-violence -the act of unjustified, purely-pleasurable (for the one doing the beating) violence. Fortunately his friends, or "droogs" as he calls them, share the same interests and they all have a hell of a lot of ass kicking/ teenage raping fun. To me it sounds like the life of all young men today. Sadly, for Alex, he was caught by the piggies and sentenced to jail. For any of you who have not seen this movie, I will spare you any more details. Spoilers are just so awful.

So in a celebratory manner, grab some drugs and mix it in a glass of milk. Drink up, the way Alex and his boys would have, and get ready for some insane, crazy, stupid criminal acts.

Halo Gamers Unite- In Holy Matrimony

Love can be found in other places than just grocery stores, tobacco outlets, and anti-war rallies (although the best types of romances come from these places). Lovers can now find other losers, i mean lovers, through gaming.

Gaming, once thought of as a purely adolescent hobby, is now uniting people the way on-line chat rooms usually do. It shouldn't come as a shock, its December of 2008, what can we not do via technological devices? If I wanted to I could order food, clothing and sex (the most basic of all needs) through the Internet, and never leave my house. But that is beside the point.

Her gaming name was SickNDeHed. His was PsychoVandal. Upon the first glance of each other's names they knew they had found something special... something, dare I say, psychotically sick. After finding each other while playing Halo, Desirai Labrada, 29, and John Henry, 26, decided to take their gaming romance to a new level. Playing Halo as a team, watching each other's back, sacrificing lives for one another, and in serious instances Desirai has been known to take Dramamine in order to battle it out through 3 hour gaming events for John. True love, no doubt.

Since she lived in New York and he in Florida, SickNDeHed flew down to Florida to meet her Vandal in 2005, roughly one year since they first began Halo-ing together. Soon after she moved down to Florida permanently to be with John. And early this year, after John popped the question to Desirai, Desi thought that a Halo-themed wedding was the best way to show how completely crazy they are.

After planning the wedding, John's family is not too crazy about the idea, constantly fretting about what to wear. Desi's family is not in the know since Desi thought it would be best to just not tell them...

Bombings Out, Shoe-Throwing In

"Muntadhar Al-Zeidi, a correspondent for an Iraqi-owned television station based in Cairo, Egypt, could face two years' imprisonment for insulting a foreign leader.

When he threw the shoes, he shouted at Bush in Arabic, "This is your farewell kiss, you dog! This is from the widows, the orphans and those who were killed in Iraq." Al-Zeidi was tackled to the ground by Iraqi and U.S. security after throwing his shoes at Bush, who deftly ducked. " According to FoxNews.

And with Al-Zeidi's hate-act came a fun, new popular Iraqi fad: shoe-throwing. Killing people with strap-on bombs was so 5 minutes ago in the Iraqi world. Today taking off your own shoes and violently throwing them at people you dislike is so chic.

But really, the only thing stranger than a grown man throwing his shoes at the President of the United States would be that Iraqis wear shoes. I never knew. I only assumed that with all the sand they have covering their land that going shoe-less was commonplace...

ShopRite Refuses to Give Child Cake

Adolph Hitler, shown at right being smothered by his old-fashioned trashy parents, was denied a birthday cake when he turned 3 years old. Heath Campbell (the one who looks like a murderer) went into ShopRite to order his son a birthday cake. When he told the person working he wanted the cake to say "Happy Birthday Adolph Hitler," the woman refused. You may ask yourself why any sane parent would name their child that, but if you ask Heath, he says "it's just a name.." The family has two other children who also share Nazi-themed names. The father denies the Holocaust ever happened, and has swastikas hanging in every room of the house (which I assume smells like cat piss, diapers, and smoke).

-Both parents claim they are not racist, and don't understand why people make a big deal over their childrens' names.

-Note to Heath from HNN: Go wash your face, and change all your childrens names.

You Do Lose It, If You Don't Use It

"It came hard and it came fast and we weren't prepared for it," stated Lisa Michaud of the Greater Manchester Red Cross, after the midwest and northeastern United States had been raped by blizzards and ice storms on Friday. The true identity of the rapist has not yet been identified, however, sources have indicated to HNN that the culprit goes by the alias of "Mother Nature." Perhaps Lady Liberty is a follower of HNN and now dabbles in rohypnol?

Man Makes Robot-Girlfriend

Meet Aiko. She is 5 feet tall, has brunette hair, brown eyes, light pale skin, and a small but shapely build. She enjoys activities such as buttering toast, accounting, making drinks, and cleaning and cooking, among other things. She can speak English and Japanese, but will never nag. If it seems too good to be true, it is. Aiko is a robot.

Her owner, Le Trung, a software engineer, is a 33 year old man who couldn't find love. Instead of getting his own reality show on VH1 or MTV, Le Trung decided to build the perfect woman. Aiko is his Frankenstein. She can even be programmed to have an orgasm, although Trung has said that their relations have not entered the bedroom as of yet.

The HNN staff was taken aback by this story of love and creation. Our hearts were warmed, and we hugged and cried together. Magical indeed.

Kardashians Love Being Naked In Front Of The Camera

Kim is not the only Kardashian who loves posing in front of cameras, making her private parts become public. Khloe Recently took off her clothes to do an ad for Peta (which stands for People Eat Too [much] Anyways). Khloe, being by far the largest Kardashian to ever step foot on this planet, claims that "everyone in the family wears fur except me." What she didn't claim is why she would rather go naked than wear fur, which HNN assumes is because with her excess blubber she needn't wear anything anyways.

More shocking than Khloe speaking for Peta is how fabulous she appears in the ad. Photoshop can do miracles for even the most horrible of subjects. And in this case made a chubby, blockhead into a sultry, naked animal-rights activist. Truly Amazing.

This ad does not make me want to stop wearing fur, but it does make me want to trick my mother into marrying Bruce Jenner, leak a sex tape, strike a deal with E, get a DUI, pose for Playboy, open my own clothing boutique, and have my body photoshoped so much that i can't even recognize that it is me. As you can see, i want to be a combination of Kim and Khloe... forget that other boring sister... skinny bitch.

HNN Studies Reveal Beyonce is Slow

After completing a thorough analysis of "Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It)", the hot new single by Beyonce Knowles-Carter, qualitative reasoning has supported claims made that Beyonce is significantly below maturity standards. Knowles-Carter, 27, has been in the music industry for quite some time, starting out with her trio Destiny's Child, a musical troupe consisting of Beyonce, and two other forgetful lassies.
But let us leave the past in the past. The issue at hand is Beyonce's mental condition, and whether her brain is up to speed. The answer is no. Evidence: Think back to your kindergarten through possibly third grade years. Now lets talk about this for a minute. When one of your primary education colleagues stated they liked something, what did you say? Answer: If you like it so much, why don't you marry it. Now, lets look at this as if it were a mathematical problem.
We can state:
If you like it so much, why don't you marry it? = If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it.

If A=B, and B=C, then Beyonce is mentally handicapped.

Python Gives Birth to Hippo

It was a beautiful South American day, when Lady Python was ready to give birth. News reporters congregated around Lady as soon as they heard she was having contractions. It was a rough 3 hours of labor.. Lady hissing in pain, while the reporters just watched. There was no midwife or doctor for Lady, she was on her own. Once she was dilated enough, Lady showed the world the ends of her baby's feet. It wasn't long after the feet that the rest of the body plopped out. A beautiful and unusual sight; an 88 pound hippopotamus was birthed to a gorgeous python.

The birthing process was unique and fascinating.. and HNN has the exclusive footage:


Snake Regurgitates Whole Hippo - Click here for the most popular videos

Facebook Group: 1 Strong Against Fran Drescher

Fran Drescher dreams of being the next junior Senator for New Yawk, following in the footsteps of one Hillary Clinton (perhaps some of you have heard of her?).

My only question... How do we get rid of this woman before she runs for president? I couldn't handle watching her on TV. And the thought of her even having the slightest power over anything political makes my mouth foam. Something has got to be done. Maybe a FaceBook group could somehow silence her. After all, Facebook has majestic powers that, when many people join together in a group, can unleash all kinds of crazy, never-before-seen shit that triumphs over evil. That sort of evil. The sort of evil that has awful hair, pale vampire-like skin, piercing eyes, and a most angular smile ever seen on a human. The sort of evil that is Fran Drescher.

12-10-08: Call in GAY!

This coming Wednesday, (tomorrow) don't call in sick to work, call in gay.

-After thousands of gays and lesbians showed their anger towards the Prop 8 ballot, they feel it is time to show how loving, compassionate, and caring they really are. In order to do this, all gays are going to call of work.. not because of a death in the family, or because they are seriously ill, but because they are seriously gay!! While on this gay-day-out, the men and women are supposed to show their love by volunteering their time to local services in need.

If your gay, and interested in participating in A Day Without Gay, click here.

UPS: United Pot Service

2,118 lbs of marijuana were found inside a homemade UPS truck. The suspect(s), who fled the scene and have yet to be caught, painted a truck brown and painted the official decals onto the imitation UPS truck. The little buggers even used an Arizona license plate (this all happened in Arizona) that was actually assigned to a real UPS truck.

The Arizona Department of Public Safety Detectives attempted to pull over the posers, which lead to the confiscation of nearly $1.2 million worth of ganja. The bundles of weed, shown to the left, are usually found on "mules" or human drug carriers who tote the packages across the desert.

HNN does not know how the brilliant mind got busted. It seems like a perfect plan. Although after a quick and almost effortless glance at the photo, the truck looks too long to be an official UPS truck. But I am no UPS truck expert. Maybe if the driver were equipped with a gun, he could have battled it out with the ADPS Detectives. Killing them, driving them out to the Arizona desert, and quickly moving the dope would have been my first instinct. But, I'm not in the business...

Lebanese Mutant

The worlds largest potato was harvested by a Lebanese farmer, weighing in at twenty-two pounds. The poor potato had contracted acromegaly, and was recently killed by the farmer, his own father. The murder occurred 7 December, 2008, when the daddy uprooted the potato, essentially removing all life support. Once the little guy's feeding tubes had been removed, it was only a matter of time. Now, his father proudly carries the corpse of his spawn around, showing off his morbidly obese son. Watch this to learn more about the tragedy, but only if you speak Lebanese!

CNN is apparently feeling the strain of our economy and can no longer afford translators.

BIONIC

Now you can drink your Coke and wear it too! Bionic is a textile company fresh out of New York City. Using recycled plastic bottles, they produce God's gift to elderly women, and us here at HNN: Yarn. The yarn produced is extra exciting, in that it is structurally designed similar to a "chinese finger trap", and really, whats more fun than that? Pharrell of N.E.R.D. invested in and is now a co-owner, sponsor, and spokesboy of Bionic. In business years, Bionic is a mere toddler. This two year old baby company will surely see a boom in business after landing this deal with Pharrell, everybody nose.

Obesity Saves Lives

In this case, it was eleven year old Jiffy's life. This past Wednesday, Jiffy was found frozen to a sidewalk in Wisconsin. His owner -who shall not be named- forgot to let poor Jiffy inside, causing him to sleep outside in the freezing cold weather. Shelter owners had to dump warm water on Jiffy's back to "thaw" out his body. They believe Jiffy survived only because he is morbidly obese, stating that his fat layers insulated him throughout the night. This border collie, weighing in at over 120 pounds, was taken to the shelter in hopes of finding a better owner.

Remains of Jiffy's skin and fur can be found at the crime scene (street). As for Jiffy, him and his excess 70 pounds of fat can be found at the local Wisconsin humane society.

Here Comes Santa Claus

Santa Claus (Kris Kringle) was born in 1899, and is most noted for bringing gifts to children all around the world. The man in the red suit, who i prefer to call "Claus," is known as being the most generous person to ever exist. People may even compare him with Jesus, but I know not to. Claus could quite possibly be the most manipulative person to ever roam the earth. Do you want to know why he prefers to have a red suite? It's because when he first made his clothes, he skinned white-fur baby seals, and used their fur for warmth. Also, the skin was used as in insulator- for those cold Christmas nights. Mrs. Claus didn't own a washing machine at the time, so the blood just became part of the costume. His so called "elves" aren't really the little kids we envision with pointy ears, and buck teeth. They are more like the squinty-eyed children, with dark hair, we hear about who work in sweat shops. While working for two cents an hour, their job description requires them to wear only cloth underwear in the freezing cold weather. They get fed reindeer oats, and (on good days) carrots. When the "slaves" don't do what they're told, Santa abuses them by hitting them with a whip, that has thumb tacks glued to the end of it. Often times, Santa gets tired delivering ALL those presents to the kids, so he sneaks a few percosettes in, just to keep him awake. The only reason Santa prefers to chug down on milk after eating all those cookies, is because he laces each and every glass with opiates. Children always get presents, even if they're on the naughty list. It used to be said that kids on the naughty list got a lump of coal. For those who are "very naughty," Santa will occasionally unbutton his trousers and go in deep. I truly feel sorry for those kids.

On his off season, you could find Claus creeping around the North Pole, toking it up with Mrs. Claus. Personally, I think Santa is a drug-addicted child molester. The only reason parents don't believe their children when they tell them Santa is a bad person, is because they want Santa to stick around. Free presents are more than a parent could ask for, they don't have to waste their time shopping, when they know little children are slaving away, making toys. If you were smart, you would know not to make a Christmas List this year...

Cool New Ways To Self-Inflict Pain, Self Mutilate

Using razors and knives to inflict pain upon one's self is so 5 years ago. These days cool kids are taking a more creative spin on the old slice and cut. According to FoxNews, troubled teens are inventing fun, new ways to self mutilate. Studies, as well as bloody body parts, show that these teens use anything to shove into their bodies. Nails, needles, bits of glass, paper clips, rocks, and crayons are among the most popular in 2008.

With this new way to "release tension and/or emotional pain" comes a new fangled name, self-embedding. Self-embedding is different than self-mutilation in that shoving crayons into skin is more of an installation, if you will. Much more artsy. Anyone can take a razor to the wrist... it takes a certain creative instinct to think of inserting some rocks and glass into, maybe, the whole right side of your face.

This sort of self-infliction has really blown up over the last 3 or 4 years. Researchers say that prior to 2005 basic sharp objects were the go-to items for the emotionally troubled. I'm hoping that not only is this new fad here to stay for a while, but that these crazy kids go a little more wild. Shoving beads, gems- maybe even diamonds!- into their pale bodies would surely make quite the shocking statement that every emo-child wants to achieve.

So the next time you are feeling down about life, dont reach for that box cutter. Go glam: pick up some gravel and paper clips and let your feelings run away with every uncomfortable insertion.

A Warning to All Microphone Hogs

According to Sky News, a Malaysian man was stabbed to death after hogging the microphone at a karaoke bar. Abdul Sani Doli, the mic-hog, was taking an unfair amount of time to sing multiple songs. After denying the other men of karaoke fun, Doli was talked to by the group of men. And when I say "talked to" I really mean beat and stabbed... to death.

Apparently this karaoke-krazed killing is not only happening in Malaysia. Reports from China, South Korea, and Japan have revealed the same sort of upset karaokers who believe that the only way to stop another from singing more songs is to beat and kill them.

It seems reasonable to me. People have to understand that hogging the mic is unacceptable. No one wants to hear an unprofessional voice for very long. Sometimes I can't stand watching actual paid professionals on TV for more than a few seconds. Rage grows inside of me and I know that if I were within stabbing distance I would severely ruin Mariah Carey, among others.

If you are ever the one doing the singing, watch out for signs of an unruly and unhappy audience. Things such as: mean glares, solemn faces, knuckle cracking, loud obscenities, guns, knives, and really anything that can cause pain once thrown at you. Always keep one eye on your back for unexpected attacks. And always give up the mic after someone confronts you. Chances are the second confrontation will end your life.

Statistically Speaking...

Gun sales have shot up to an estimated 50% in most suburbs following the election of Barack Obama.

In other news, sales of x-ray glasses- the ones that see through clothing, armor, hair, and feathers- are said to have grown 10 fold just days prior to the Victoria's Secret's Fashion Show, which aired December 3, 2008. The only people who were legally not allowed to purchase x-ray glasses were those who've had previous child molestation charges... But I'm sure craigslist.com catered to their needs.

No One Cares Exclusive

Star Magazine reports that "despite the couples announced separation, they recently brought their two young children to a Tasti D-Lite store on Manhattan's Upper East Side — and their PDA left no doubt about the love they still feel for each other."

HairyNippleNews reports that despite the fact that we do not know who these people are- nor do we care to find out, they are not sexually appealing, appear to be intoxicated or drugged, or seem crazy, at all. In fact, they seem like normal people. And who cares about that?

Colon xR: God's Greatest Gift?

There are almost too many Americans who can't shit on a normal basis. Also, there are almost too many Americans who waste their money on useless diet pills. If you're reading this, and you fit in with either or both of those categories, I've got a surprise for you.. Colon xR! You may have heard of this pill on a little show I like to call Oprah, or you could be reading this not knowing anything about Colon xR. If you have constipation problems, and have been scavenging through drug stores looking for something to relieve your anus; look no further. An average person could have up to 10 pounds of food just sitting in their colons. Not only is that disgusting, but it's also making you fatter than you need to be. So if your a "dieter" reading this article, this pill will wash that 10 pounds right out of you. Colon xR is made from 100% all natural sources, so you know this shit is legit.

-If you are interested in testing some Colon xR out for yourself, here is a link to get a free trial

It would be in your best interest to start this pill on a day when your not busy, because if the description says it will make you poop out 10 pounds, one can only assume you would be sitting on the toilet all day.

A How To: Eco-Friendly Christmas

Here at HNN, we're always trying to think of ways to jump on the "going green" bandwagon. Now that we're balls deep in the holiday season, we've been trying to think of ways to celebrate an eco-friendly Christmas. After many sleepless nights, it hit me like a ton of dreidels. This Christmas, go Jewish. Think of the possibilities: if every person that typically has a Christmas tree ornamented in their home gathered around a menorah instead, it would be a great step forward in the green movement. Bonus: you can be Jewish all year long, you don't have to do it just for Christmas! And if you want to go the extra environmentalist mile, be kosher, the most eco-friendly of Jews. Following the Sabbath would result in significant decreases of energy consumption. Additional bonus: some of our readers may be saying to themselves "I'd really like to be a green Jew, but it conflicts with my religion. How can I work with this?" We have you covered. Jews for Jesus is the hottest thing going on in religion these days. This religion allows people to accept Jesus as the savior, born of a virgin, while still upholding the eco-Jew lifestyle.

This Christmas, put the great outdoors first. Go Jewish.

AIDS is so Hot Right Now

Always a firm believer of his power, man has sought to fix every disaster, be it natural or not, that comes his way. Not even comes his way since man has been known to travel great distances to fix other people's problems. Historically speaking, there are many examples of this. (But I've never been a do-er, so that is as much time and effort that will be put into that. Plus world history has never been my strong suit.) A prime example of today's do good-er would have to be all people who consciously buy Product Red , um, products. AIDS was so '80s. It's practically dead here in America. And since i am American that's really all i care about. Africa is plagued with more diseases than the whole entire wealth of the world could afford to do studies, find cures, get the antidote to Africa and cure the whole lot of them. AIDS, tuberculosis, and malaria are all being fought against by Product Red, which are a products that send a portion of the profit to Africa to help supply the battle. It's a swell idea, to date more than 1,750,000 people have received AIDS treatment (YAY!). But treating a result of a problem is not necessarily doing anything towards the actual problem.

AIDS is the disease one gets after their immune system has been taken hostage completely by HIV. AIDS is contracted through any bodily fluids. Tuberculosis is bacteria that spread through the air and are passed from person to person. Malaria is a mosquito-borne disease. The mosquito bites a human and gives them the disease through their blood. Blood transfusions, organ transplants and the use of needles and syringes can all transfer malaria. Now the educational part is over. Curing even half of the infected people means nothing. They more than likely will be reintroduced to whichever disease. Those diseases are the result of a shitty environment. Africa, ask yourself, are you sanitary? or are you breeding filth? So why does anyone think that saving a few lives will do any good? If what Africa is doing was anything close to right, I think they would be holding cool Product Red, White and Blue events for America. Clearly, this is not the case. My advice to Africa: get your shit together, maybe throw up some toilets and plumbing, bath monthly, and maybe you wont have such a poor bunch of lads and lassies.

Rohypnol: My Kind of Drug

Date Rape: It was hot in the '90s, and now it's back for more. While at the club, girls are looking to: 1. Dance 2. Get drunk & 3. Get raped. That is why Rohypnol or "Roofies" are so hot right now. If your the type of girl who carelessly sets her drink down, while not keeping an eye on it, you are a prime candidate for date rape. Roofies can easily be broken up and dissolved in your drink, and you won't even taste it. How much better can it get? No bad tastes, no swallowing pills, NO bad breath. You know Roofies have gotten ahold of your system when you can't remember things, you feel dizzy, and you are confused. Once this drug has taken ahold of your mind & body, there's not much to remember- until you finally start to peak. When you wake up the morning after, naked and alone in the streets, your memory of the previous night will finally start to kick in. Finally, you recollect your thoughts and feelings of the night before, when you were getting taken advantage of by some stranger, and think how "awesome" it was. If you are interested in finding some Rohypnol, it is widely used in Texas, and Florida. Be careful though, if you get caught with this drug in your possession, you will be locked up for a maximum of three years. Ouch!

-If your a girl who is interested in being taken away by these drugs, just simply leave your alcoholic beverage out, and hope someone spikes your drink. It could just be your lucky night.

Attention All Drunks and Drug Users

December is National Drunk and Drugged Driving Prevention Month. Which is a good thing to have since drunk/drugged drivers wreak absolute havoc on, and off, the roads. Driving while under the influence of any substance is always a bad choice and should be avoided at all costs... Everyone knows this. What everyone doesn't know is if you commit your life to drugs and alcohol and do not die, you will ultimately look like this. (shown to the right)

No one desires to look like Amy Winehouse. If they do they are already safely in the confines of a mental facility. Amy is a prime example of what hard partying can do to a body. No one remembers what she looked like before... in fact no one knows her real name. Giving way to ideas that maybe, just maybe, she is not even a woman. It's 2008, guys and girls alike grow long locks and slap some make-up on their face. It's really anybody's guess. So the real moral of December is drink and do drugs in moderation and ALWAYS check the mirror periodically. If you forget about your appearance, there is a good chance you look like Amy Winehouse.

"One Person, One Fare" No Matter How Fat

People who exceed their allotted airplane seat space have to fret no more- as long as they are flying in Canadian planes. Canada decided that obese people who take up more than one seat do not have to pay for it- because paying for another seat your body is taking up is "discriminatory" and mean. "It's going to make a huge difference because now I know that I'll be able to fly with dignity," said Linda McKay-Panos, who is obese. Once you have reached the point that you need additional seats to hold your body, dignity has died long ago. Not only do obese passengers get free additional seats, people with disabilities do not have to pay for their care-givers and attendants seats either. Other than being a hilariously awful court ruling, this can potentially hurt Canadian airlines costing them as much as $7.1 million per year.

If only people would realize how awful they look and try to make some life-style changes, then and only then could normal people and the morbidly obese coexist in peace.

Terrorists Just Wanna Have Fun

Terrorists who attacked Mumbai did not solely rely on the hatred running through their veins. Cocaine and LSD were found at the scene of attacks, along with steroid syringes. Gyms and fitness centers are hard to come by if you are a terrorist. A few underground gyms located in caves do not carry the equipment used to get "terrorist chic" bodies. That is why it is common for many terrorists to juice it up with the help of steroids. When your life revolves around the destruction of others, a fit body is a total must-have. Another necessity is the ability to be awake and ready at all times- here's where cocaine comes into play. When you're out on a mission, timing is everything. If you're sleepy, your body is not at its peak. But blow a few lines of coke and suddenly you will be just itching at the chance to blow up some buildings- in the dead of night, with zero hours of sleep.

That all makes perfect sense, the 'roids and blow- what does not fit is the LSD. Call me crazy, but I think that tripping while carrying out terrorist play-dates is just silly. This leads me to believe that yes, terrorists, like everybody else, just want to have some insane, stupid, wacked-out fun. Party on you crazy kids.

Help Save Our Environment!

Our earth was a beautiful, peaceful, and calm place. Then humans became over-populated; causing destruction of our earth. We've been given this great place to survive on, and now we don't even take care of it. The Amazon Rain forest once covered over 14% of our earths surface- it now covers only 6%. Experts estimate the rest will vanish over the next forty years. You may not think this has anything to do with your life, but it actually does. The Amazon Rain forest is considered the "Lungs of our Planet" because it continuously helps recycle carbon dioxide into oxygen (the air we breathe). Blame our American corporations for destroying the trees of the Amazon. Without Rain forests, global warming will occur much faster, and our earth with all its existence will vanish.
Things you can do to help save our world:

• Little things such as: unplugging unused appliances, turning lights off in rooms you aren't using, and conserving water.
• Help plant trees in your local community
• Get a group of people together, and clean the cities you live by.
  
• RECYCLE!

Those are just a few things you can do to help save the environment. There are so many other ways to help out, all you have to do is take part in it.You don't have to become a "tree-hugger" on environmentalist, just get off your ass, and help out a little bit!

See more Will Ferrell videos at Funny or Die

Human to Earth: I'm seeing other planets

The Moon, Venus and Jupiter all met up December 1 for a little midnight delight. But little did they know that all humans from planet Earth could see what they were doing- and we wanted in. Dancing around the sky, these frisky planets created crazy triangles that hypnotized our human eyes and excited our senses. The sun and the moon get a little boring; we see them everyday. But seeing the moon flirt with Venus and Jupiter, its just really fun to watch. If I had to chose a new planet to live on, it would have to Venus. In fact, I may just start texting Venus, see what she is up to on a daily basis, warm her up to the thought of me residing on her- running on her bulges, cart-wheeling through her forests. Anything would be fun and exciting with Venus...

But for now, I am stuck with Earth. I hope she doesn't read this.

Fashion Police!

On Sunday, November 30, 2008 a true tragedy occurred in an Orlando Walmart. A man came into Walmart wearing a grey and white flower print dress. He was attempting to rob the store while threatening a cashier with his handgun. In a fit of anger, this dress-wearing man fired two shots into the ceiling- probably because he was so embarrassed at his fashion mistake. A black jacket (probably pleather) over his granny-style grey and white floral dress is a sure way to scare off future friends and lovers. He is undoubtedly lonely, for if he had any friends at all they surely would have helped him throw together a cool, hip robber outfit. Preferably something all black, very sleek, matched- without looking like he tried too hard- with a breathable, tight black nylon face mask. An outfit like that would have given him a cool, knowledgeable exterior equipped with an inner confidence that I bet the dress didn't.

Word to all future robbers out there: dress for success. That phrase is not only directed at businessmen- you too can empower yourself with the clothing articles and accessories you put on.

Genocide In America

The Holocaust. Darfur. Early this morning, genocide began on American soil. A militia of men, and few women, set forth clad in either camouflage or vibrant orange clothing with one mission: kill. These "hunters" seek to kill off the human race known as ''deer''. This mass killing that occurred throughout the entirety of the day has achieved immense death tolls, the extent to which has not been calculated. Experts predict this "hunting season" to last approximately three weeks, coinciding with our lunar calendar, which drives these "hunters" into a serial killing spree. The victims of the massacre were found shot, some with several gunshot wounds, cut up the abdomen, with internal organs removed. The motives for these actions are not fully understood. The technology of the army is far superior to that of the victims; these hunters are prepared with rifles, and some use the aid of a device labeled as a "tree stand", in order to execute sniper-style killing. The deer, who receive no government aid, are left to fend for themselves. After interviewing one of the deer, he stated that he typically retaliates by running drivers off the road to their deaths. All are asked to fly their flags at half-mast to honor the innocent lives lost through the massacre, and a candlelit vigil will occur in cities across the continental U.S. Sorry Hawaii and Alaska.

Bloom & Kerr: Engaged?!

Yes, this is true; it is reported that Orlando Bloom & Miranda Kerr are now engaged. For those of you who don't know Miranda, she is a 25 year old Aussie who models for Victoria's Secret. The two may possibly make the "hottest couple" in Hollywood. Reps from E! News tell us that the two plan to get married sometime next year. Orlando (31) is filming a movie, and Miranda is busy working the runway, which is why they chose to wait for the upcoming year. With the way things are going in the "fab" life, it is likely that they will break up about 4 1/2 times before next year. Many women are hoping for that, because they all think they will get a chance at love with Orlando. Come on girls, it's not going to happen. After marriage, the two plan to start a family together. But as of now, the two share an apartment together in New York, and are just trying to keep things "down to earth."