Here Comes Santa Claus

Santa Claus (Kris Kringle) was born in 1899, and is most noted for bringing gifts to children all around the world. The man in the red suit, who i prefer to call "Claus," is known as being the most generous person to ever exist. People may even compare him with Jesus, but I know not to. Claus could quite possibly be the most manipulative person to ever roam the earth. Do you want to know why he prefers to have a red suite? It's because when he first made his clothes, he skinned white-fur baby seals, and used their fur for warmth. Also, the skin was used as in insulator- for those cold Christmas nights. Mrs. Claus didn't own a washing machine at the time, so the blood just became part of the costume. His so called "elves" aren't really the little kids we envision with pointy ears, and buck teeth. They are more like the squinty-eyed children, with dark hair, we hear about who work in sweat shops. While working for two cents an hour, their job description requires them to wear only cloth underwear in the freezing cold weather. They get fed reindeer oats, and (on good days) carrots. When the "slaves" don't do what they're told, Santa abuses them by hitting them with a whip, that has thumb tacks glued to the end of it. Often times, Santa gets tired delivering ALL those presents to the kids, so he sneaks a few percosettes in, just to keep him awake. The only reason Santa prefers to chug down on milk after eating all those cookies, is because he laces each and every glass with opiates. Children always get presents, even if they're on the naughty list. It used to be said that kids on the naughty list got a lump of coal. For those who are "very naughty," Santa will occasionally unbutton his trousers and go in deep. I truly feel sorry for those kids.

On his off season, you could find Claus creeping around the North Pole, toking it up with Mrs. Claus. Personally, I think Santa is a drug-addicted child molester. The only reason parents don't believe their children when they tell them Santa is a bad person, is because they want Santa to stick around. Free presents are more than a parent could ask for, they don't have to waste their time shopping, when they know little children are slaving away, making toys. If you were smart, you would know not to make a Christmas List this year...

A How To: Eco-Friendly Christmas

Here at HNN, we're always trying to think of ways to jump on the "going green" bandwagon. Now that we're balls deep in the holiday season, we've been trying to think of ways to celebrate an eco-friendly Christmas. After many sleepless nights, it hit me like a ton of dreidels. This Christmas, go Jewish. Think of the possibilities: if every person that typically has a Christmas tree ornamented in their home gathered around a menorah instead, it would be a great step forward in the green movement. Bonus: you can be Jewish all year long, you don't have to do it just for Christmas! And if you want to go the extra environmentalist mile, be kosher, the most eco-friendly of Jews. Following the Sabbath would result in significant decreases of energy consumption. Additional bonus: some of our readers may be saying to themselves "I'd really like to be a green Jew, but it conflicts with my religion. How can I work with this?" We have you covered. Jews for Jesus is the hottest thing going on in religion these days. This religion allows people to accept Jesus as the savior, born of a virgin, while still upholding the eco-Jew lifestyle.

This Christmas, put the great outdoors first. Go Jewish.

Victoria's Secret Box

I don't know how long this commercial has been on, but I saw it for the first time today while watching House. Upon seeing the first shot, it's known- this is a Victoria's Secret commercial. Models walking in a mansion (I'm assuming) wearing a red bra and a long, flowing, princess-like skirt. Interesting. Usually we are all accustomed to seeing these beauties in near-nothing panties and bras... this skirt deal is way too prudish for me. Victoria's Secret commercials should be titillating, especially their Christmas commercial. And the "plot" of the whole commercial, if there is one, is would be that the girls have a gift and it needs to get to Adriana Lima. Since the mansion is so gigantic, the girls come together and each covers a small amount of area before handing the gift off to another girl. This happens quite a few times until finally reaching its destination: Adriana Lima. Once in Lima's possession, she (clad in her red bra and skirt) leaves the mansion and begins a journey on foot... to what appears to be another mansion right across the way.

After that mind-blowing commercial, the only thing on my mind was "Well, what's in the box?" but more importantly "What the hell could even fit in a box that size?!" Thong. That's the only reasonable VS item that belongs in this situation. Certainly a lip gloss or compact mirror or pillbox are so impersonal that a simple bag would do. But until further notice: the contents of this box are a mystery.

Watch the VS Christmas 2008 Commercial.