Are You A Drug Smuggler Looking To Relocate?

Then come to Columbus, New Mexico!

This small, economically-meager town is a hot spot for Mexican drug smugglers who are trying to keep their mind on their money, money on their mind. The police are almost completely absent in this cozy little town, which is only rubber bands on the money wads to the Mexican criminals- or anyone else involved in illegal activity.

Townspeople don't seem to mind the drug smuggling, and insist that without the influx of illegal money, their town would not even survive. Some of the townspeople will even tell you that there is no problem, drug or money, at all. That everything is just fine.

But, cops in the surrounding areas have been snooping around and are quickly learning the Who's Who of the Mexican drug smugglers. Claiming to know the names and games of many, police are just waiting it out for the big bust.

So, if you are a Mexican drug smuggler in the smaller area of Columbus, New Mexico, I would load up all my possessions into my shiny, black, hydraulic SUV, pick up my amigos, and road trip til i found the next 'in the middle of nowhere' town. Good Luck Guys.

Brisol Palins Baby's Daddy's Mama's Drug Charges

If that headline sounds like it should be a caption under the Maury Logo while introducing some white trash, us here at HNN couldn't agree more. It appears that Sherry Johnston, 42, was arrested Thursday and charged with "second-degree misconduct involving a controlled substance- typically manufacturing or delivering drugs- as well as fourth-degree misconduct involving controlled substances, or possession" according to FoxNews. The same Sherry Johnston that is the mother of Levi Johnston, who is the father of Bristol Palin's soon-to-pop-out baby. (Due date is said to be quite soon)

Troopers released no other information, including the kind or amount of drugs, because they just want to infuriate us. When there is a story about someone who is even remotely of any importance, I need to know what type of drug and how much. Without that information I am liable to go insane with uncertainty.

Although around 2p.m. Johnston was released from jail after her $5,000 bond was paid, it's still a little newsworthy gold-nugget in our book.

Here Comes Santa Claus

Santa Claus (Kris Kringle) was born in 1899, and is most noted for bringing gifts to children all around the world. The man in the red suit, who i prefer to call "Claus," is known as being the most generous person to ever exist. People may even compare him with Jesus, but I know not to. Claus could quite possibly be the most manipulative person to ever roam the earth. Do you want to know why he prefers to have a red suite? It's because when he first made his clothes, he skinned white-fur baby seals, and used their fur for warmth. Also, the skin was used as in insulator- for those cold Christmas nights. Mrs. Claus didn't own a washing machine at the time, so the blood just became part of the costume. His so called "elves" aren't really the little kids we envision with pointy ears, and buck teeth. They are more like the squinty-eyed children, with dark hair, we hear about who work in sweat shops. While working for two cents an hour, their job description requires them to wear only cloth underwear in the freezing cold weather. They get fed reindeer oats, and (on good days) carrots. When the "slaves" don't do what they're told, Santa abuses them by hitting them with a whip, that has thumb tacks glued to the end of it. Often times, Santa gets tired delivering ALL those presents to the kids, so he sneaks a few percosettes in, just to keep him awake. The only reason Santa prefers to chug down on milk after eating all those cookies, is because he laces each and every glass with opiates. Children always get presents, even if they're on the naughty list. It used to be said that kids on the naughty list got a lump of coal. For those who are "very naughty," Santa will occasionally unbutton his trousers and go in deep. I truly feel sorry for those kids.

On his off season, you could find Claus creeping around the North Pole, toking it up with Mrs. Claus. Personally, I think Santa is a drug-addicted child molester. The only reason parents don't believe their children when they tell them Santa is a bad person, is because they want Santa to stick around. Free presents are more than a parent could ask for, they don't have to waste their time shopping, when they know little children are slaving away, making toys. If you were smart, you would know not to make a Christmas List this year...

Rohypnol: My Kind of Drug

Date Rape: It was hot in the '90s, and now it's back for more. While at the club, girls are looking to: 1. Dance 2. Get drunk & 3. Get raped. That is why Rohypnol or "Roofies" are so hot right now. If your the type of girl who carelessly sets her drink down, while not keeping an eye on it, you are a prime candidate for date rape. Roofies can easily be broken up and dissolved in your drink, and you won't even taste it. How much better can it get? No bad tastes, no swallowing pills, NO bad breath. You know Roofies have gotten ahold of your system when you can't remember things, you feel dizzy, and you are confused. Once this drug has taken ahold of your mind & body, there's not much to remember- until you finally start to peak. When you wake up the morning after, naked and alone in the streets, your memory of the previous night will finally start to kick in. Finally, you recollect your thoughts and feelings of the night before, when you were getting taken advantage of by some stranger, and think how "awesome" it was. If you are interested in finding some Rohypnol, it is widely used in Texas, and Florida. Be careful though, if you get caught with this drug in your possession, you will be locked up for a maximum of three years. Ouch!

-If your a girl who is interested in being taken away by these drugs, just simply leave your alcoholic beverage out, and hope someone spikes your drink. It could just be your lucky night.

Attention All Drunks and Drug Users

December is National Drunk and Drugged Driving Prevention Month. Which is a good thing to have since drunk/drugged drivers wreak absolute havoc on, and off, the roads. Driving while under the influence of any substance is always a bad choice and should be avoided at all costs... Everyone knows this. What everyone doesn't know is if you commit your life to drugs and alcohol and do not die, you will ultimately look like this. (shown to the right)

No one desires to look like Amy Winehouse. If they do they are already safely in the confines of a mental facility. Amy is a prime example of what hard partying can do to a body. No one remembers what she looked like before... in fact no one knows her real name. Giving way to ideas that maybe, just maybe, she is not even a woman. It's 2008, guys and girls alike grow long locks and slap some make-up on their face. It's really anybody's guess. So the real moral of December is drink and do drugs in moderation and ALWAYS check the mirror periodically. If you forget about your appearance, there is a good chance you look like Amy Winehouse.