Jessica Simpson Shows Off Her Meat

As if Jessica Simpson was not boring enough, she had to go and put on some pounds. Eating disorders are so very in right now, and for Jessica to really buck the system, now that's a woman. Although she looks happy, i wonder if she is only happy to know that she has more food waiting for her after she gets off stage. Either way, if she is happy with it, HNN does too!


due to a computer malfunction the photos can be seen here.

Y'all come back now, ya hear!

Acrobat Dies Tragically

A 30 year old man who was attempting a Cirque Du Soleil type performance fell to his death in Scottsdale Arizona. It was the type of stunt where one would unravel their body from a satin sash while suspended high in the air. Obviously this man was not trained enough to master the stunt, he ended up smashing his head off the ground in front of hundreds of people. Truly tragic...

Some people sitting in the audience have his death recorded on video.

-NOTE: the following video is not connected with the story above, HNN just needed a little circus humor; to lighten things up.

..ME-OWWW.

UTI Claims Life

Urinary tract infection has taken away the hands and feet of Brazilian model Mariana Bridi, and now has taken away her life. The model suffered a bout with a UTI, which was extremely resistant to antibiotics. The infection spread beyond her piss tract throughout the entirety of her body. Doctors attempted to save her life by removing her hands and feet. Despite attempts to save the 20 year old model, she lost her battle with the infection.

Over- Exercising: It's Whats In.

You won't be seeing anymore 80 pound models working the runway in 2009. That died out Winter '08. Now you'll be seeing body builder-like women. Supposedly, the men drool over women who are more muscular than themselves. Who knew?

If you wish to have zero fat on your body, and huge muscles you must work your body so hard you will end up almost dying towards the end of the day. Your workout must take up at least 79% of your day, and you must eat only fish and eggs. Simple to say, yet hard to achieve. HNN is lucky to have the nation's top trainers whipping them into shape. If you are destined to become a body builder, your results will come in no time.

Only the fittest survive in our world today.. Will you be one of them?

Good luck.

Hello Kitty Comforts Mothers While They Push Babies Out Of Their Vaginas

If anyone ever thought Taiwan was crazy, there is now solid proof that they are, indeed, insane.

Hello Kitty themed hospitals have been a giant success among these Asians. And it is only common sense because, as we all know, the East loves, loves, loves their Hello Kitty.

The Hospitals have Hello Kitty all over the fucking place. Beds are decorated with HK pillows and blankets. The rooms are filled with HK curtains, rugs, and even the nurses are clad in HK themed clothing. In addition to all the pink colors and kitten heads all over the place, an actual bigger-than-life-sized Hello Kitty walks around to greet the soon-to-be-moms.

It's just all really crazy and strange. But us here at HNN already are planning to give birth to our children in a Hello Kitty themed-hospital... as long as it's in the US.

Octopus Child

Half girl. Half octopus. We live in a world of fear; fear of this thing HNN likes to call: The Octochild.

If we do not kill Lakshmi or "Octochild,"she will bring havoc, and cause mass destruction throughout our entire universe. It is rumored that she will kill any human who doesn't have a mutated figure, such as her own self. Detectives have spotted the child crawling around Bihar, which is the region from where she was birthed from. "We must be careful, Lakshmi is very wise, she has strangled at least seven recorded FBI agents."-Detective Paul Ruben

Having a camouflaged body makes it twenty times harder to spot this Octochild. Residents of Bihar have told HNN that around two months ago, Octochild murdered 23 men who tried to kill her with bazooka launchers. Their deaths were caused by the poisoning of ink expelled from her vagina.

-As of now, all we as a society can do is wait for this being to die off. However, we know it's not anytime soon, being that she is only 2 years old. HNN will keep everyone in our prayers daily.

You're Getting Warmer, Detective

Trent Higginbotham was on the lam. With several warrants out for his arrest, Louisiana police officers wanted Higginbotham in the worst way. A detective recognized our guy, and attempted to pull him over. However, Higginbotham prevailed. He threw some punches and fled the scene, to find the perfect hiding spot.

Higginbotham sought refuge in an attic, which happened to be in a home belonging to another detective, serving on the same task force.

Higginbotham refused to exit the attic, and as a result, the police had to send up their pup to bring down the criminal. Higginbotham is currently in the hospital having his bite wounds mended, and will be shipped off straight to the big house upon his dismissal.

HNN thinks Higginbotham is a perfect cat name.

Madonna Loves Being Nude

Oh Madonna, you just love flashing your bare limbs to the cameras, don't you?--Back when Madonna was a dancer in her 20's, she needed to make ends meet. So how do we solve this problem? Simple, we pose nude for Playboy. She got paid only $25 dollars for doing so. Today the picture is expected to at least sell for $10,000.

Being that the HNN staff are of high power, we have the actual photo of her... NAKED!--It's Black & White, it's hairy, it's simply Madonna

May Day, May Day

A jetliner en-route to Charlotte, North Carolina went for a swim in the chilly Hudson River, in New York earlier today, sources tell HNN. In the last moments before communication was lost with the pilot, he had stated that there had been a "double bird strike", of course meaning that two birds leisurely flew into the engines of the plane.

The jetliner crashed into the Hudson River, and all aboard are reported to be safe. Of course, this raises several questions. Can the records, which lack the names of all stow-aways, be sure that those hidden in the underbelly of the jetliner are safe? HNN is awaiting comments on this question. Additionally, how does the airbus company intend to rectify any lost material possessions?

If HNN could attain a response to both questions from the airbus company, we may be able to kill two birds with one plane.

True Love: German Child Style

Germany is crazy and everyone knows it. So when two lovebirds run off to Africa to get married no one bats a feathery eyelash. But when these two love birds are still young enough to wet the bed and eat nose-pickings, the world gasps with erotic excitement and slight horror. The two lovers thought it was completely necessary to elope to Africa- and take a friend/witness. Pigs spotted them at a train station and immediately notified Hitler or whoever is in the know in Germany.

HNN loves love- especially child-love, between children., not adults and children, that's so sick. But when an 8 year old loves a 5 year old, something special will happen. Think Corey and Topanga.

Life Is A Puzzle- Or Rather A Maze

Britain: Home of meat pies and crooked teeth and in-home trash mazes. Gordon Stewart, 74, had become quite the pack rat after stowing away any articles of material he came into contact with. Towers of shit turned into racks and aisles of junk to the point wherer his house became a maze. Stewart, who was old and probably insane, is thought to have become disoriented while crawling about his maze. While he was burrowing his way through the trash, Old Man got weak in the knees and collapsed. And after extended time in the hug of trash heeps he died of dehydration.

One would think that in a trash heap there would be at least one bottle of tussin to keep him alive and feeling well.

Obama to Xzibit: Please Pimp My Ride

"According to Presidential vehicle experts, the new limo is a beast-like General Motors truck-based Cadillac that is so tough it's like a 'rolling tank with windows.'

Among the vehicle's main features are windows that are 5 inches thick, 19.5-inch Goodyear RHS tires (same as super tough trucks), and possibly even a lock safety mechanism that seals off the car like a bank vault in case of an emergency. " -Wired.com

That may be, but just look at that thing. I am hoping that they unghettoize the man's ride before inauguration. It looks like it once was a really nice car that happened to get hit by a semi truck that was hauling fire, swords and chimmy chongas. After the collision the car fell into a ditch recently filled with sticky tar. That would explain the shiny black parts and the duller black parts.

Hopefully after looking at the vehicle, Obama realizes that he really does need change.

Shake That Healthy Butt

Buttock and hip fat may protect women against type 2 diabetes, researchers from Harvard Medical School found.

Yes, researchers have tested little mice to find that the diabetes type 2 seemed to not affect the mice that had injections of fat around their lower mid-region and ass.

That's great. If only the term "fat ass" had a positive connotation. Many things can kill me, and the lack of ass fat is one of them that i am gleefully willing to take.

Papua Murders Young Witch

Papua New Ginea, which is a country NOT a new screamo queero punk band, is getting some street cred for the burning of witchcraft followers. Street cred from who? HNN is not sure yet, but what we are sure of is that there is destined to be witch-burning fans especially in Papua New Ginea.

Bystanders of the burning recall the event in fancy detail:
"The girl was stripped naked and could not shout for assistance or resist as she was tightly strapped and her mouth gagged," Jessie James
"I don't know the right words to describe it but it's barbaric. Can you find the best words to describe such acts that are rampant here?" said Highlands police chief Simon Kauba.

The girl, who has an estimated age of 16-20, was stripped, bound and gagged prior to being tied to a truck loaded with firewood. The truck was then driven to the village dump and was doused with gasolina. Intense and insane. But some girls like it that way.

Quit Staring At Me

For the girl (or boy) or wants constant attention, HNN presents to you: Feathered eyelashes. Yes, set aside your mascara for feathery, flowing, fearless eyes. Its all the rage in Japan, and apparently its becoming quite the fad here in the states. Because really, who wouldn't want to look like they just raped a baby bird of its delicate wings only to glue them to your eyelids.

These lashes will make you stand out in the crowd no matter where you are. Be it a party, a dinner, a communion, all eyes will be on you. Although it is not guarenteed that you will even notice, since you will be battling to see through your furry mess of eye-fashion.

Try Sephora if you want to get the feathered lashes look.

Hayden Saving Whales, Again?

Hayden Panettiere is on a mission to Save the Whales (Again)! This Heroes hottie was recently banned from Japan for trying to save dolphins from being slaughtered to death. Now with famous supporters such as Pierce Brosnan, and uh.. other people, Hayden is back; and she ain't going nowhere.

Last year, Hayden recieved the Wyler Prize at the Humane Society of the United States’ 2008 Genesis Awards. What an ungrateful bitch. Every writer here at HNN is very compassionate towards animals. Do we get any recognition? -I don't think so.

I guess you have to rich and famous to get credit for anything you do in our world. However, if you are interested in Saving those massive creatures, click here

A Moment Of Silence Meow.

Willie, the Bushes' 18-year-old female black American Shorthair, died Sunday at home in the Executive Mansion. Meow sad.

Ready For More Sex?

Patricia Field, the stylist for Sex And The City, just can't keep her panties dry. Why? Well because she is in belief that SATC will make another grand appearance on the big screen. She claims that Micheal Patrick King, the shows creator, told her that another script was in the making. But, she warns, its all very unofficial and not going to happen soon... maybe not at all.

HNN is crossing our mannicured fingers. And sleeping with as many men in honor and hope of another SATC movie.

An Easy Way Out Of Child Support

What do you do when you owe your ex-wife $4,000 in child support and don't have the money? Well, if you happen to be Danny Platt you simply murder the child.

Platt picked up his two-year-old child, Ja' Shawn, from the child's mothers house for a weekend visit. But soon after the child left with Platt, Daniella got a call from Platt annoucing that Ja' Shawn had been kidnapped. She axed if he called authorities and he said yes, but after getting off the phone with him Daniella called police to find that Platt never called. According to FoxNews "Police said Platt made up an elaborate story about his son being kidnapped by three men armed with AK-47 rifles late Friday night. Platt eventually confessed to the killing, telling authorities he "would kill either his wife or his child before he paid child support," Police Superintendent Warren Riley said Saturday."

Platt then lead to police to the boy's body and was charged with first-degree murder. Platt said he was under a lot of pressure as well as stress. "I'm sorry about killing my baby," Platt told reporters. "I had a whole bunch of reasons."

We're sorry you killed your baby too. Maybe next time try killing yourself.

Holly and MindFreak, Wedding Bells?

Eye wittnesses spotted Holly Madison, Hugh Heffner's ex-bedwarmer, and Criss Angel browsing rings at various places while in Las Vegas. Once Criss magically sensed that they were being watched, he gave the ring back to the shop keep and the love birds left immediately.

Hmmm... sounds a little sneaky, dirty and wrong, which means that they are totally in love.

But according to someone close to Holly, Criss gave her a flower ring for her birthday. Big let down for all of us who are waiting with extreme anticipation for little Crollys and Hiss' to be crawling around this earth. Just imagine a hot blonde who can guess what you just ate last, or a dirty semi-cool-looking guy who dreams of doing dirty things to very old men. Either way, I love it.

Jett Travolta Dies

Jett Travolta, son of John Travolta and Kelly Preston, died on his family vacation in the Bahamas. The boy suffered from Kawasaki disease, which is a disease that affects many organs of the body. While on their stay in the Bahamas Jett had a seizure. Doctors tried to revive him, but obviously that didn't work. His body will remain out of the country for at least another week, then it will be fed-ex'd to the Travolta home.

Jett, who was named that because his dad is obsessed with planes, was the oldest son in the family. He has a little sister named Ella, who was born in 2000.

HNN's deepest sympathys go out to the Travolta family. --Fly away Jett, fly away..