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Thursday, February 26, 2009

Crikey Mate!-Thats One Big Stingray


Weighing in a whopping 55 stones, (770 lbs) this stingray took 13 men and 90 minutes to get out of the water. This monstrous creature is 7ft long and wide, with a 10 ft tail. This is the largest freshwater fish to ever be caught with a rod.

--It would be terrible to have that venomous barb stabbed into your body, leading to a painful, excruciating death. However, we're glad to see they released it back to it's natural home. Which is a place where innocent adults, children, and puppies go to get cooled off, and play.

Rest in Peace Steve Irwin

6,005 and Still Going Strong..


You may hear the name Elaine Davidson and think, "that sounds like a housewife who wears mom jeans." Let HNN inform you that this is no Caucasian housewife, but in fact a woman from Scotland who wears body paint and has 6,005 piercings! The first time we saw Elaine was in The Guinness Book of World Records for having the most [at the time: 462] piercings.

Davidson claims to have over 1,500 "internal" piercings. -From data gathered by the staff of HNN, one could conclude that Davidson has an orgasm everytime she walks, sneezes, moves her finger, etc.

This woman states that she doesn't even like getting piercings. (It's clear to us she has a sick fetish of sticking needles in her body)--Davidson only does it because she wants to keep her name in the record for having the most body piercings.

HNN wishes all the best to Davidson and her body piercings. Even those piercings that have the crusty puss infecting Davidson's body. --Keep doing your thang homegirl.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Is that even real hair?


How terrible did Lisa Rinna look at the Oscars? Hosting the pre-Oscars red carpet show for TV Guide was this monster. Her face had far too much Botox, and lets not even talk about those lips. Rinna, who retired from the soap business, has now realized that she will never be the celebrity she hopes to be.

Rinna hopped on the Dancing With the Stars bandwagon, the show for all hasbeens who hope they can reclaim their fame because they are called "stars" by the shows producer. After that backfired, she settled for working for the T.V. Guide channel, interviewing the popular crowd that she cannot conisder herself a part of.

Goodbye, Day Dream Believer























The House passed a bill prohibiting the sale and transport of primates for pets. As if no other monkey has ever attacked a human, the House was genuinely moved by the attacks of Travis, the chimpanzee. Travis decided his mama was not working out for him, and as a result, he destroyed her face. Charla Nash, mother of Travis, was sent to the Cleveland Clinic, where doctors are considering a face transplant for Charla.

If I could have a face transplant, I'd take Angelina Jolie's face.

Travis was shot dead by the five-o after his tiff with his mom.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Guitar Hero Loses Spelling Bee


Well doesn't Activision just have egg all over their face? The cover of the upcoming game Guitar Hero: Metallica sports the names of the various bands whose songs have appeared in Guitar Hero games. However, Lynyrd Skynyrd wasn't so lucky. Guitar Hero misspelled the bands name, calling them "Lynyrd Skynrd".

Rolling Stone magazine spotted the typo, and after they published an article citing the error, Activision has updated the cover of the game, correcting the error.

Rock on Lynyrd Skynrd. Rock on Lyrnyrd Skynyrd. Rock on Rolling Stone mag. Rock on Guitar Hero. Rock on HNN.

Craigslist: The New Black Market


Daniel Flood went years without treating his high blood pressure, and as a result, suffered kidney damage. Flood, 68, was told by doctors that he needed a transplant or dialysis. The man was born with only one kidney, and his O- negative blood type made finding a donor that much more difficult.

Flood's three daughters, none of which were a match for their fathers kidney, promised they would find a donor for their father. The waiting list for a kidney transplant was about two to six years, and sensing that their fathers case was time sensitive, they decided they had to take action into their own hands. So they did what any normal person would do, they posted a plea for a donor on craigslist under the volunteer section.

Verdick, a 48 year old woman from California, was visiting craigslist for the first time when she saw the ad. The stereotypical California hippie said: "I turned it over to the universe early on. And I just said, 'If it's meant to be, then I will qualify, and if it's not, I won't.'''

The universe decided that it was meant to be. HNN is happy for Flood, his crazy daughters, Verdick, and the universe.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Man Sets to Counter Americans View of Muslims By Decapitating His Wife


Muzzammil Hassan is the founder of an upstate New York Islamic Television Station. The goal of the news station is to counter and disprove Muslim stereotypes.

Why is this Islamic television station such a failure? Could it be that the stations founder was arrested Thursday for beheading his wife? Or is it just that it airs terrible programs? One can never be too sure, but HNN is of the belief that its a combination.

Mrs. Hassan filed for a divorce in early January, and in the interim, police were called on more than one occasion to the Hassan household to deal with domestic violence.

"He launched Bridges TV, billed as the first English-language cable channel targeting Muslims inside the United States, in 2004. At the time, Hassan said he hoped the network would balance negative portrayals of Muslims following the attacks of September 11, 2001." -CNN.com

Good Job!

Saturday, February 14, 2009


Jennifer Figge, 56 year old American long distance swimmer, is the first woman and first American to have swam across the Atlantic Ocean. She completed this 2,500 mile journey in 24 days. Or so she says.

As a serious journalist hard at work for HNN, I find it very disturbing to see the many errs in the Associated Press' work. The AP published an article stating that Figge was “the first woman, and first American, to swim across the Atlantic Ocean.”

However, when common sense started hitting that no one could swim that far in 24 days, suspicion arose. When Figge's spokesman was addressed, he stated that she had only actually swam about 250 miles of the 2,500 miles it would take to complete the journey. The remainder of the trip Figge spent aboard a ship, claiming fears of jelly fish. Typical.

There is no board that oversees oversea swims. No rules governing long distance swimming. So next time you head to the beach, remember that so long as you dip your toes into the ocean, you too can claim to have swam the span of the entire ocean!

Thirteen-Year-Old Becomes Father


This thirteen year old lad Alfie, who looks like an innocent eight year old, is now a proud daddy. Him and his fifteen year old (ugly, and drugged out looking) girlfriend decided that they would not have an abortion, after finding out Alfie's jizz actually contained sperm. What looks like two kids playing with their baby sister, is actually bf/gf not knowing how to care for their baby girl Maisie. (Kind of cute name.)

-The funny thing about this story is that Alfie stands at just 4 foot tall, and has not even had a voice change yet. Us here at HNN don't know whether to be scared, disgusted, or laugh about the situation. Interviewers asked Alfie how he plans on financially caring for the child, and his response was "what does financially mean."--Un-fucking-believable.

In this embarrassingly awesome video HNN has provided for our viewers, Alfie discusses how he, and girlfriend plan to care for their healthy baby girl:

Friday, February 13, 2009

Disturbi(a)ng!


I'm sure at this point everyone's up to speed on the Rihanna/Chris Brown situation.

For those of you who aren't, here's what happened: he beat the shit out of her.

But why, you may ask? According to E!, Rihanna had hired people to watch Chris while he was on tour, as she suspected that he was cheating on her.

In the aftermath of the battle, Chris retaliated in a most mature way. According to the New York Post, Chris Brown has apparently spoken out on Rihanna in the stupidest way possible, updating his Facebook page to say: "You'll begin to see her true colors. Believe it!" and changing his status to "single."

Chris Brown is charged with domestic battery, and possibly will be face charges with criminal threat, for telling Rihanna he would kill her.

Australian Wildfire Survivor


Meet Sam. After being rescued from the Australian wildfires, Sam has become an Australian celebrity. Sam's claim to fame arose from this photograph of her drinking water from her fireman rescuer's water bottle.

"Sam the koala, the most famous furry survivor of Australia's worst-ever wildfires, is healing well thanks to the efforts of caretakers at a rescue shelter — and she even has a new boyfriend." - KRISTEN GELINEAU, AP.

Glad to see the Associated Press working hard.

Sam and her boyfriend met while being treated for their paw burns.

As of Tuesday, the official (human) death toll as a result of the wildfires reached 183. Upon trying to find a more current number (2:00 A.M. 2/13/09), all I could uncover were stories from Tuesday, and this extremely important piece on Sam.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Love Exists in Outer Space, and Kills


500 miles above Siberia, U.S. and Russian satellites raced towards each other at 6 miles an hour, in hopes of consummating their love. When they came into one another, they immediately died. Their ashes, as NASA refers to as debris, are now floating in a low orbit through space. NASA has stated that the bits and pieces that remain of the two lovers do not present any harm to the International Space Station.

This is a classic Romeo and Juliet story. The death of forbidden lovers. HNN was truly moved by the death of the young satellites.

We Knew You Were Gross, But Really?


Have you ever heard of the Cow Protection Department of the Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh (RSS)? Well, if you have not the RSS is "India's biggest and oldest Hindu nationalist group." That means little though. What is getting the RSS big time publicitiy is its desire to make a soft-drink out of cow piss. They think it is a really good idea, and they are alone with that thought. The drink would be called "gau jal," or "cow water"-- what? "cow piss" too harsh, India?

The genius behind the product is
Om Prakash, and he tells us that we can be sucking down this tasty drink by the end of this year. Yum!

Those Germans Are At It Again...


German engineering does not stop on land. Oh no, Germany is airborne. As if hearing 'Das Auto' doesn't curdle our blood, we will soon be forced to hear such terms as "MS Watersports GmbH of Itzehoe" and "JetLev-Flyer" and "fat yellow hose". Gross. Awful. Damnit Germany, how did you manage to do something us Americans could not? I, for one, am embarrassed.

But moving on, let us tell you a little something about this JetLev-Flyer... it runs off of water, a fat yellow tube hangs down and sucks up water, and blasts off the flyer's sholder rockets. While wearing it you can reach a height of 50 feet, speed of 45 mph and 186 miles of fly time. That is eqivilant to 4 hours of flying time. Crazy, right? Well, yeah it kind of is. I live in western PA, where am i going to find 186 miles of water where i can fly over for 4 hours? And even if i did have that luxury, i would want to fly to the mall or the brothel, which is not located by bodies of water.

But, if any of you are interested in buying one of these flyin' machines, it will cost you about $130,000 US dollars. And that is 129,999 US dollars too many for me.

UFO Flies Over England


UFO experts are going bonkers. Tourists were in shock, and drivers stopped their cars to see an amazing cylinder-like object hovering through the air. Police reported no sign of unusual activities, such as: babies throwing up venom, women eating owls, or boys walking in high heels.

When aliens finally do come visit Earth, HNN promises to have the latest covering on their landing. After all, our mission in life is to be abducted by extraterrestrials.

This video may not be suitable for children under the age of 24. If you think you can handle this eerie sight, click here

Friday, February 6, 2009

Snuggies: Taking Over the World One Loser at a Time


The hosts of the Today Show must not have been strong. They collectively wore Snuggies on air for all to see. And as that is not bad enough, they were advocating the use of Snuggies. Photos show that even the casting crew donned Snuggies.

I have recently read WE by Yevgeny Zamyatin, a novel where there is OneState and all the people look identical wearing the same garb and having shaved heads. Well, the Today Show was so close to utilitarianism I could practically see the hair falling from Meredith Vieira.

Listen, if you are not a complete loser, do not associate yourself with Snuggie. It is bad publicity to be seen in one. And if you wear a Snuggie while behind closed, locked doors, do everyone a favor and stay in the closet.

Mother Greedy About Children


See this woman. She appears to be a friendly-looking citizen. But under her common front lies a dirty, selfish, sick obsession: She wants to give birth to as many children as she can. It is a rare mental illness called 'Giantium Vaginium' which makes her think that having 14 children is a good thing. It is not.

Nadya Suleman recented birthed octuplets, which the act alone astounded doctors world-wide. She claims to want her children to have siblings since her own childhood was lonely, isolating, and depressing. But if she thought about the girls growing up and needing to use the restroom only to find that the line starts at the kitchen, she would have found a happy medium.

Her children will probably grow up to hate and resent her for her 'noble' duties. Sharing everything from tampons to condoms, these children will most likely become newsworthy when they slay Nadya for having so many of them and not enough money or space to do so.

We will leave you with a few kind words: Nadya, double up your meds and become a prostitute. This will numb you to the dreadful feelings you will experience while allowing you to get your children thier own diapers.

Bill Gates: Nucking Futs?

The people at the Technology, Entertainment, Design Conference were aware that Bill Gates would be speaking. However, the audience was not aware that Bill Gates would unleash a jar of mosquitoes while on stage.
Former head of Microsoft, Gates is now fighting for the people who are infected with Malaria. Gates told the audience that is was no fair how only poor people have malaria as he opened the jar.
After assuring the audience that the mosquitoes that were just freed did not have malaria, everyone still thought Gates was still bat shit crazy.
According to FoxNews, "the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation would provide $168.7 million to the PATH Malaria Vaccine Initiative to help develop a vaccine for the deadly disease." Gates appears to have a heart somewhere within his crazed psycho exterior- which HNN finds dangerously sexy. Call us Bill <3>

U.K. University, You Are Caught Brown Handed


What would do you if you were a janitor and came across a 77 lb bag of feces? Well, regardless of what you would have done, the cleaners at Leeds Univershitty found that bag and threw it away. After all, they are janitors, it is their job to rid the classroom of filth. But when Daniel Bennett came in to the room only to find his prized bag had been removed, shit hit the fan.

Daniel Bennett, a Ph.D. student, was studying the rare butaan lizard and its dung for his doctoral research. When the university offered him a mere $750 compensation, Bennett declined the offer and in turn told them that they will be meeting in court.

Ouch. There is a lot to be said about this sort of ordeal. But the one thing HNN wants to know is: did everyone instantly vomit the second they came into the room? Just thinking about 77 lbs of toilet food makes my eyes water. Bless the janitors who stumbled upon it, and thank God no one passed out from the fumes.

The Inhale Heard Round the World


Michael Phelps, Olympian extraordinaire, was caught on camera doing some not role-model-like activities. For an Olympic swimmer to be such a pro at the bong is just astounding. And HNN thinks that scientific research needs to be done on this superhuman body. Not only can he steal many a records and gold metals, but he does it all high as hell. Smoking is said to lead to unhealthy lungs, among other illnesses, which is why it is important for athletes to not smoke. But clearly Phelps' hot bod can not only handle, but thrive while under the influence.
Just think, if everyone could smoke and smoke and smoke, and smoke and swim. And smoke and swim and win gold metals. Everyone would be doing it. And that is why "The Man" wants us to think that smoking pot is bad for us, and that nothing good can come from it. Sorry "Mr. Man" but Phelps just blew a hole through that story.

FurrrrReal?!?!


omg.yahoo.com is quickly becoming HNN enemy#1. Not because they continually bash fashion-forward looks. Not because their commentary is petty and cliche. Well, yes, we really hate that. But what really kills our hopeful hearts would be their anti-fur movement. It is just awful to make jeering remarks about real fur while advocating tacky fake fur. Fake fur makes me want to cough up a hair ball- made of synthetic fur. Not only is that the ultimate poser fake-out, but it is just in bad taste. If you are anti-fur, that's ego-chic for you. But please, omg.yahoo, do not jump on the PETA bandwagon only to say fakes are alright. Pick a side, stick to it, and shut the hell up.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Chinese, Japanese, Look at MILEY CYRUS


Miley, who is sitting on the lap of some dirty-looking bad ass, is off offending many many people. Asians. With her fingers, Miley pulls back her eyes as if to say "Herro fwiends!" with her slanty eyes. All the other kids are doing it! Save for the real Asian, who is hard to find since everyone else looks so similar.
OCA, a group of Asian Pacific Americans are outraged and appauled at her thoughtless activity.
Whatever OCA, there is an Asian in the picture. Showing that Miley and Co. are not racist or anything. They are all fwiends. And it rooks rike they are having some fun. Note to OCA: go have some dirty sexy drinking fun... and you will be widening your eyes to look like Americans.

Big Ole' Titties


The term KKK doesn't have the same meaning it used to. HNN presents to you Sheyla Hershey, the woman who thinks that size KKK tits are appealing. And man is she wrong. Having what appears to look like a fat ass on her chest, Hershey loves the way she looks.

Not known for other things she is doing: record label, model, actress, Hershey is obsessed with her appearance. She has had over 18 plastic surgeries, mostly to her tatas, but also to her behind, lips, and nose.

We feel for you Sheyla. Something awful had to have happened to you. Maybe a family member touched you when you were young. Maybe your mother is on drugs. Maybe you have the smallest brain in the world. HNN doesnt really care what is the cause of all this nonsensical breasticals. Remember to call a press conference when your spine collapses and/or your tits explode. Ta-ta for now.

Fake Blonde Bimbos Busted in Man's Back Seat


Two nameless, weightless blondes were found in a creepy old man's car. The girls were found naked and seemingly slightly aroused. Although they are too shaken up from the event to speak, witnesses have claimed to have seen them both being fondled, kissed, and rubbed by George Bartusek, 51. He was having a good time eating Reeses and molesting the two girls. The car, a shitty one at that, was parked outside a public store. So everyone could see the deviant sexual acts.

When police asked him what the fuck he was doing, Bartusek plainly stated that he was going to Target to get his lady friends some clothes. Which is a brilliant idea. He got arrrested, probably because the girls were definately not of consent age (just look at the tiny tits) .

HNN blows warm Resses-breath kisses in the direction of this three-some. So what police get involved? So what he was wearing shorts with a 3-inch hole cut out in the croctchal area? They are in love, and that is beautiful. No matter how inflated the lust may be.

Chinese Girl Attempts Suicide to Save Dying Father

13 year old Chen Jin is being hospitalized after attempting suicide. Jin swallowed 200 sleeping pills, then wrapped herself in an electric blanket (which left her with severe burns). She did all of this to save her beloved fathers life, who needs a liver transplant. She is now recovering in the same hospital as her father, but doctors say that if she does survive, she will need extensive surgery for the severe burns.

In a note to her mother, she writes:

- With the help of our specialized translaters, we were able to find out that this letter states the following: "Mum, I'm sorry I couldn't stay with you any longer, please give my liver to dad and save him after my death."

Correct me if I'm wrong, because I very well could be.. But I beleive that intaking that many pills would actually cause your liver to shut down, leaving you to die.
-Chen Jin should have thought about that before swallowing that many pills. Maybe hanging herself, or self-mutilation would have been a better alternative for her?

Controlling Parents Ruin Their Child's Tenth Birthday Present

How would you feel if your birthday gift was a cell phone, and your parents demanded to view every text message before you could read them? This is the horror that is Victor Delgado's life. Young Victor received his gift on his tenth birthday, and before anyone could have known his number, he received a pornographic text message. The cause for this is that Victor received a "recycled" phone number, which sounds cheap and trashy, and the text came from an acquaintance of the previous owner.

Victor's terrible parents decided to pounce on the situation, seizing it as their opportunity to control Victor's life. Now Victor will have to limit his pornographic exposure to magazines and the internet, rather than having the luxury of it being sent to his cell phone like all other ten year olds.

You can watch the Delgado's cry for attention and fame on this unimportant video that happened to make its way to CNN.com:

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Sweet Love


There is nothing HNN hates more than red and pink hearts, stuffed teddy bears, and roses dipped in glitter. On the day that has "love" lingering in the air, (aka hot sex) we have decided to celebrate in a different way. We are going to travel deep into the forest, smoke cigarettes, do some yoga, and end our day off with saving puppies.

No one needs to get fat off of chocolate hearts, and baby cupids. Their partners just do that to reassure them that they aren't cheating.

- If you hate V-day as much as us, and are interested in participating in our Unvalentine escapade, RSVP to HNN before February 14.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Christian Bale: Flipping the F*** Out


Christian Bale, star of the new Terminator Salvation movie, was absolutely livid at the director of photography Shane Hurlbut. Bale threatens to beat up the poor man, and even quit the film. This happened about a year ago while in the making of the movie, but the audio recently leaked from... somewhere. HNN was quick on the job to find the audio tape for our viewers to hear.

Check on it: Bale's Tirade.

HNN thinks that Christian should get the mole near his eye removed.