Here Comes Santa Claus

Santa Claus (Kris Kringle) was born in 1899, and is most noted for bringing gifts to children all around the world. The man in the red suit, who i prefer to call "Claus," is known as being the most generous person to ever exist. People may even compare him with Jesus, but I know not to. Claus could quite possibly be the most manipulative person to ever roam the earth. Do you want to know why he prefers to have a red suite? It's because when he first made his clothes, he skinned white-fur baby seals, and used their fur for warmth. Also, the skin was used as in insulator- for those cold Christmas nights. Mrs. Claus didn't own a washing machine at the time, so the blood just became part of the costume. His so called "elves" aren't really the little kids we envision with pointy ears, and buck teeth. They are more like the squinty-eyed children, with dark hair, we hear about who work in sweat shops. While working for two cents an hour, their job description requires them to wear only cloth underwear in the freezing cold weather. They get fed reindeer oats, and (on good days) carrots. When the "slaves" don't do what they're told, Santa abuses them by hitting them with a whip, that has thumb tacks glued to the end of it. Often times, Santa gets tired delivering ALL those presents to the kids, so he sneaks a few percosettes in, just to keep him awake. The only reason Santa prefers to chug down on milk after eating all those cookies, is because he laces each and every glass with opiates. Children always get presents, even if they're on the naughty list. It used to be said that kids on the naughty list got a lump of coal. For those who are "very naughty," Santa will occasionally unbutton his trousers and go in deep. I truly feel sorry for those kids.

On his off season, you could find Claus creeping around the North Pole, toking it up with Mrs. Claus. Personally, I think Santa is a drug-addicted child molester. The only reason parents don't believe their children when they tell them Santa is a bad person, is because they want Santa to stick around. Free presents are more than a parent could ask for, they don't have to waste their time shopping, when they know little children are slaving away, making toys. If you were smart, you would know not to make a Christmas List this year...